He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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