then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
