wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
