you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
