apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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