You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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