If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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