Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
