My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
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YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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