12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
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we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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