I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
