I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
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I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
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Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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