If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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