What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
