worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
So squirting runs in the family.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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