So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
