Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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