someone get that fucking seahorse.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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