according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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