apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
