had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
