Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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