new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
