I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
