someone threw a dead crab at me
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
