My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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