Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
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