you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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