what day is it and did you see me today?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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