I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
