dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
