The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
