best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
So vagazzling was a success
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
