im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I am in a vortex of obligation.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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