I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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