and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
