his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
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