I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
