Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
