No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
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I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
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I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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