made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
you will always have a special place in my vag
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
