tequila makes me forget i have legs
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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