dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
