If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
