Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
