she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
