Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
