WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
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Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
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I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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