Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
