Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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