just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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