so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
