I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
