i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
