he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
