I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
